The Loneliness

In this side of the barricade, there is but little light, light which throws monstrous shadows against the walls. In this gloom you can hear it; the silence is now over, the storm has thundered in, so loud you can barely hear yourself… Now I am truly alone. Alone in the darkness I have only myself and my memories. Creaking walls and rattling windows betray the stability of my room; the tower will definitely not survive this storm. It will collapse. It’s just a matter of time.

(Darkness really adds a new perspective in every thing, and that is not always good. Suddenly people who you once trusted blindly are the ones who you are running from. As you lie awake at night on the brink of tears, you will inadvertently go over the time you spent with them, wondering where exactly; at which specific point of time did every thing start to fall apart? Where did you go wrong? Those are few of the answers that are with them and for ever will be denied to you. You can only guess or estimate them…)

In the darkness, there are no shapes, there is no fluid concept of reality, and there is no sense of time either. All the things I brought in, all the memories I then clung on to, in the darkness are transformed, into monsters, Hunted and tormented I Frantically start breaking down the barricade I set up first to protect my self and the things (memories) I wanted to fight for.

The idea of being confronted by my past never terrified me so much, I was and am afraid of loosing my individuality, but this fear is new, and it is unfathomable, for me to be hunted by my past, I always cherished memories, it was the one thing that remained constant even if the people in them changed. I realize now amidst the chaos of the storm, that I would rather face the storm out in the open and be threaten by the possibility of being drowned alive than stay in the room a wounded prey to my memories.

Finally the barricade breaks, and I stumble outside in the thunderstorm alone and empty-handed… I glance back to see my room, my tower, My Castle being upturned brick by brick, that what took 7 years to build is now being turned to rubble in less that 7 minutes.

For the first time I feel the rain upon my face, all that’s left of my room is a brick. The very last brick.

(Part 4 of 5)

The Empty Room

They say that in times of mortal danger the human body just shuts its self down, to preserve its-self. It is not exactly voluntary you see; that switch (as I call it) is involuntary. According to me the same holds true mentally also.
So in a way you can guess what happens when the storm comes to drown me. It shuts down; it becomes pitch black in the room. However, there is something to be learnt from the darkness too; in the absence of light you get a level of solitude that is unprecedented. The room though full of things (I brought in many things, a lot of memories, of a time when it was nice, I believed that it is best to hold on to memories as they are the only things that do not change even though the people in them might… but I was so mistaken) becomes empty, with out the light there is nothing, nothing what so ever, just an empty space. (Try it for yourself, blindfold yourself, what do you see? Nothing, Try switching of the lights at 3 in the morning what do you see? Nothing…) the darkness helped me once long back, I look to it again and hope that, she too has not forsaken me.
Now for survival, I cling on to all that I can, and let go of all that I can…. There is much to be learnt from the absence of light and the empty room.

Its time to wipe the slate clean, and barricade my self in...….

part 3 of 5