We should not shed tears.
That is a surrender of the body to the heart.
It is only proof,
that we are beings that do not know,
what to do with our hearts.
~ From Bleach by Tite kubo
I think I must let her go. The child that was struck with awe!
It hurts, it pains, it strikes me with dread the thought of letting her go.
She is a butterfly, she is empathy personified. She is a rock star. She is a party girl.
I think I must let her go. The child that was struck with awe!
I wanted to be with her… I wanted to learn the salsa with her, wanted to ride off in the sunset with her, wanted to build castles on the shore with her, wanted to gaze at the night sky with her, wanted to hold her hand and walk on the beach with her, wanted to climb the mountains with her, wanted to trek in the jungles with her, wanted to scare her with ghost stories, wanted to slow dance with her in the rain, wanted to stay up all night watching old movies with her, wanted to cook and eat with her, wanted to make her feel like a woman, wanted to spend an eternity in her embrace, wanted to listen to her beating heart, wanted to wake her up with breakfast in the bed, wanted to kiss her at every opportunity, wanted to grow old with her. My heart, soul and mind are at odds with each other, one refuses to let her go, one refuses to believe what is happening the third is attempting to rationalize what each wants and what must eventually be done…
You know that meeting you has put her in the situation she is now, where she is forced to choose between a past that promises an uncertain future and a present that promises an equally uncertain future.
How can one let go of something they love? I understand that a major part of the trust and understanding for each other stems from the fact that you want to ensure the happiness of the other person. But if her happiness means, letting her go… I must let her go… Maybe she was not meant to be with me… She definitely deserves someone better… Why was I not able to hold on to her? Why do I feel incomplete without her? Why does it feel like I will never be complete again?
But the extremely funny thing is … the question that follows; it pales the above question in comparison. You wonder if her meeting you is the trigger for her current unhappiness…. If that is true then I am damned, if not then I am damned cause either case I have made a bony lass cry, by being there for her, by not being there for her.. I made someone shed tears just by being their life to cheer them up. How could I be so Naïve?? How could I not see what was coming?? I have long known that I am a broken creature not meant to be pitied or loved. I can only observe the world from afar, a lone observer. And a lone observer I shall be again.
Every moment spent with her was of infinite worth; for it represented an entire eternity. I will forever hold her close to my heart and soul cause for a brief moment she showed me that I too am worthy of love. To love and be loved in return, a feeling like none other. Her very existence is proof that I too was worthy of love. She made me fall in love with love again. I stand in awe of her. I am humbled.
But I suppose if she is truly happy then it was worth it, if not …. I don’t want to answer that, I hope and pray that it never comes to that, as I cannot justify any answer, not now not at any time. That will swallow me whole.
This is grey, neither black nor white, a void where my questions and desires must not be satisfied to ensure that she is happy. A void, that eats you from the inside at every moment. This void will be filled in due time, but a part of it will remain forever.
Why do we cling on to hope? Why does one do it? Even though the person knows that if unsuccessful, the whiplash will drown them. Why endure it? Is it for that overwhelming unnamed feeling, it’s not love; it’s something higher that I felt, words can’t describe it. I felt that higher power for the first time as it mercilessly overpowered me… suffocated me… and left me defenseless. Only hope can give rise to despair. But it’s impossible for anyone to try and live without hope, so I suppose that leaves us no choice but to walk ahead with despair as one of our companions.
The most incredible thing you'll ever experience is just to love and be loved in return.
But don’t worry about me; I will gather my shattered self into the artifice of eternity. I will lock these feelings up and bury the key in her. I am the lone observer. I am the evil overlord. I am immortal.
This post is dedicated to the Awed Child, I thank you for every thing, I am sorry for everything, you should know, letting you go was the hardest thing I have had to do.
33638,6544
~*~
